


I'll Be Good

by Technicolor



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 22:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9463259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Technicolor/pseuds/Technicolor
Summary: This is the moments leading up to Merle's redemption and the start to Helena's world without him.





	

_I thought I saw the devil, this morning. Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue with the warning to help me see clearer._

She had been laying there for hours, as Merle watched her sleep. They laid in their own isolation, the first peaceful moment they had in months. From the moment she had stepped back into his life at the gates of Woodbury, Merle had been in awe of her. He had feelings for her before, but the moment he knew she was alive, he wasn’t going to let her get away from him.

Even when the Governor had ordered Merle to stop seeing his niece, especially after Merle had presented him with the ring he had stolen on one of their runs, Merle couldn’t let her go.

But it broke his heart, as she laid there asleep with a worried expression on her face; the worries of the Governor and the life they had made together gnawing at her, even in sleep. Against Merle’s wishes, Helena refused the groups’ pleas for her to come be with them. She had chosen Merle, like she always had. 

As he ran his fingers through her hair, a smile came to her face. He was about to place a sweet kiss on her lips, when Glenn and Hershel appeared at the cell door.

“Merle,” Hershel began, using the keys to unlock the cell door. “good mornin’.”

Merle sat up on the bed, careful not to wake her. He replied with a grunt to the older man, not making eye contact with Glenn at all. This was the whole reason they were in this secluded cell, he remembered Helena smacking him as Glenn threw the accusations at him in the woods. A look of hurt spread across her face, the nagging feeling of Merle never being good enough for someone as good as Helena.

“We came to speak with you-”

Before Hershel could respond, Merle cut him off. “Ta talk ta me about what I did to your girl and Glen there, right?” A look of shock spread over both of their faces as they looked at one another. It was something that needed to be talked about, but they weren’t prepared for Merle to be so willing. “I know what I did was wrong, I always know when I do somethin’ wrong.”

A look of remorse spread across his face, looking from them to Helena. The images of him trying to apologize to her in the woods, Daryl just shaking his head at the both of them.

“I’m sorry fer what I’ve done to ya’ll.” He finally whispered, bowing his head. 

_I never meant to start a fire, I never meant to make you bleed._

Glen opened his mouth to speak but Hershel rested his hand on his shoulder, a softly quiet no, knowing that nothing they could say would help Merle from himself. He had answering to do, but moreso himself for what he had done to others. He would be taking that remorse with him to the grave, whether or not someone would or could ever forgive him.

“It’s alright, Merle.” Hershel finally answered, causing Merle to look up, a look of forgiveness upon his face. 

Merle felt the heat rise to his face, looking away from the gentle, older man again. Before he could say anything to the other two men, they both stood up and left quietly; leaving Merle to be alone with the demons.

_I’ll be a better man today._

\----------------------------------

_I’ll be good, I’ll be good. And I’ll love the world, like I should._

Helena felt the weight shift on the cot as Merle stood up. She turned over to see him fumbling with the buttons on his shirt with his back to her, a clear sign of tenseness in his muscles.

Sitting up on the edge of the bed, she stood up and walked over to him. Wrapping her arms around his waist, Helena felt Merle relax into her. Forgetting the buttons, he turned to face her and lifted his metal hand over her head so he could wrap her in his arms.

She sighed as he pulled her into a hug, a smile appearing on her face as she welcomed this side of Merle that no one else ever saw. 

“Good mornin’, sweet cheeks.” He whispered, kissing the top of her head. “Feelin’ better after sleepin’?”

She nodded against his chest, looking up to place a kiss on his lips. It always started so innocently with them, Merle feeling a protectiveness over her. But, as Helena insisted that even though she couldn’t speak, she wanted Merle to love her as raw and burning as she felt for him.

Pulling away, she grabbed his good hand and lead him out of the cell to the common area of the prison, where everyone else was eating breakfast.

The group fell silent as Helena and Merle came into their sights, a clear sign of discomfort from them all. Except Hershel, he remembered the heat in Merle’s face earlier and the sincere way he had apologized to him and his family for what he had done. 

“Come sit over here, you two.” Hershel ordered, motioning for them to join him and his family.

A look of disgust came across Maggie’s face as she stood up, taking her breakfast and heading outside with Glenn trailing behind her.

Helena looked around the room for Daryl, thinking maybe he would be sitting off to himself like usual.

“Daryl is still asleep,” Hershel answered her, knowing she couldn’t ask herself, handing her and Merle bowls of oatmeal from the end of the table. “he kept watch last night.”

Nodding her head, she turned to look at Merle as he blankly stared at his oatmeal. Helena knew he hated it, a simple reminder of their lives from before. Placing her hand on his leg, he turned to look at her.

“What?” He asked gruffly, more startled that she had touched him in front of everyone. Answering him, she pointed her finger at the bowl and then him. A slight chuckle came from his lips and he shook his head at her. “You ‘memba how much I hate oatmeal, don’t ya?”

Helena smiled and then became stern again, pointing at the bowl and then him again. Everyone had turned to stare at them, watching the scenario play out. She noticed a smile on Carl’s face, watching in amazement as a mute woman could control such a vulgar, brawny man.

“Alright, alright, woman. I’ll eat my damned oatmeal.” 

Helena responded by turning to her bowl and began eating, a smirk on her face as Merle choked down the oatmeal just for her sake.

_Yeah, I’ll be good, I’ll be good for all of the times that I never could._

\----------------------------------

_My past has tasted bitter for years now, so I wield an iron fist._

The peacefulness of the morning soon wore away as the group began to talk about what to do with the Governor.

Within moments, everyone began shouting at each other as Helena and Merle sat back on the table.

Wishing she could speak herself, Merle’s voice broke through the anger.

“Do ya all honestly not know what to expect?!” He hollered, causing everyone to look at him. Helena scooted closer to him, wanting to hear every word. “The man’s a unpredictable lunatic and ya’ll think having a plan is goin’ to save you from whatever he has planned for ya’ll. I can tell ya what’s gonna happen. He’s gonna kill me first, then Michonne, then Helena, then yer girls, then Hershel, then Rick after he’s let him watch all his people die at his hands.”

This was another side of Merle that anyone ever saw, too. The side that was used to years of abuse, whether it be physical or drug induced. The hurt in his eyes was raw and it made everyone feel a pang of hurt for Merle.

_Grace is just a weakness or so I’ve been told. I’ve been cold, I’ve been merciless._

Standing up, helping Helena off the table, he led her back to their cell. Laying down on their bed, Merle just looked up at her as a sad smile spread across her.

Patting the cot with his metal hand, he grabbed her hand and pulled her gently onto the bed and snuggled into her as she rested her head on his chest. Closing his eyes, he finally let himself accept the fear that was burrowing underneath him.

_But the blood on my hands scares me to death, maybe I’m waking up today._

\----------------------------------

_For all of the light that I shut out, for all of the innocent things that I've doubt._

He wasn’t sure when he decided to go through with it, the idea of kidnapping Michonne and taking her to the Governor. Maybe it was the idea of the possible safety for him, Daryl, and Helena. It was the same behavior he had grown accustomed to, the erratic, shocking behavior that had grown him into the bitter man he had become.

Looking over to Michonne, he was impressed by her poise and her unwillingness to let Merle and what could possibly happen scare her. He remembered all those times, when he’d be at the bar and some dumb ass would say something to him that would send his drug-addled self into a rage. Merle would start pounding on the poor dumbass and all he could remember hearing was the man’s old lady pleading in the background to stop, the sounds of the cries would always haunt him.

But, this wasn’t the same situation, this was different. This was him actually having hope for the first time, a hope that Helena had given him when she picked Merle over the Governor.

He knew Phillip would be more than angry, but Merle hoped that Helena’s kinship to him would spare the group from whatever wrath that was coming there way. 

Merle knew better though, as he looked at Michonne once again. Pulling the car over to the side of the road, he untied the rope around Michonne’s thin wrists.

“Get out.” He barked, knowing that he couldn’t say more.

The woman stared at him, unsure of whether or not this was some sort of trick or if he was really the man that Daryl had told her about.

“Why?” She countered back, shifting in the seat and rubbing her wrists from where the ropes had dug in.

“Do I need to repeat myself, woman? Go on, get outta here. This ain’t ‘bout you, the Governor wants you so damned bad, he can come for you hisself.”

A smile appeared on Michonne’s face and she reached for the broken door handle, looking back at the broken man one more time.

“What are you going to do, though? Aren’t you going to go back to the prison?”

He solemnly shook his head, not looking back to her. Merle had noticed a pattern from himself this morning, a feeling of wanting to do the right thing but not being able to look the right thing in the face. It scared him, but he knew what he had to do.

“I can’t go back, Michonne.” He finally whispered. As she nodded her head, he grabbed her wrist. “But, will you tell Helena somethin’ for me?”

Michonne looked back to him and nodded, knowing he was about to unload something on her that only himself and Helena had known before.

“Will you tell that girl that I love her? An’ that I’m sorry, for everything.”

Michonne reached over to him with her free hand and squeezed his hand, a quiet promise between the two of them.

For all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears, for all of the things that I've done all these years.

Helena startled awake when she realized Merle was no longer laying next to her, an immense panic filling her. She ran out of the cell, looking around in a panic. Running outside, she looked around the yard, in hopes to see him working on the motorcycle or just relaxing in the tall grass

“They’re gone, kid.” Daryl spoke behind her, causing her to jump.

A concerned expression spread onto Helena’s face as she turned to face Daryl, grabbing his hands and asking for answers.

“Merle, he took her to yer uncle, he took Michonne.” Daryl looked down as he squeezed her hands, trying to comfort his best friend. But, Daryl knew it wouldn’t help the fact of what the truth was.

Before her mind could catch up to her body, Helena had pulled away and ran out towards the edge of the gates. She shook the gates, trying to get Glenn and Maggie’s attention. Becoming angry, she quickly realized they were either ignoring her or weren’t inside there.

Daryl was quickly behind her, grabbing on to her shoulder. “What we gon’ do out there, stop Merle from doing what he thinks right? Even you can’t stop that.”

Helena grimaced at him, tugging on the gate herself. She didn’t need Daryl’s help to get him and Michonne back here, she was going to let him know that even if she couldn’t speak it.

“Fine,” He growled to her, finally helping her pull on the gate. “but we’re gonna do things’a my way. No runnin’ off and no mouthin’ off.”

A smirk appeared on Helena’s lips as she punched Daryl playfully on the arm. As they climbed into the truck, she felt the fear seeping off of Daryl and for once, she hoped that the youngest Dixon was wrong about what could happen.

Driving along the highway, Daryl slammed on his breaks as the sight of Michonne appeared coming out of the woods.

Both of them jumping out, Helena wrapped Michonne in a hug, squeezing as tightly as she could.

“Yer safe,” Daryl said to himself, rather to anyone else. “Where’s Merle?”

Pulling away from Helena, Michonne’s eyes grew sorrowful. “He told me to get out of the car and to head back to the prison, said he had some things to deal with concerning the Governor.”

Helena’s heart dropped, knowing exactly where they were going to meet to resolve their ‘differences.’

Tugging at Daryl’s arm, she pointed back to the truck. 

“I’ve got myself, don’t worry.” Michonne told them, resting a hand on Daryl’s shoulder. “Go get Merle.”

In a rush of minutes, Daryl pulled up to the old sheds that Helena had given him directions to. It was like a ghost town and Helena secretly wished neither man had made it to their destination.

Climbing out of the truck, he made it over to her side and handed her a pistol. 

“Shoot at the first Woodbury asshole you see, got it?”

Helena silently nodded, taking the weapon from him. They both walked silently, scanning the area for any walkers or any of the Governor’s men, more specifically Merle.

Suddenly, the sound of guttural growls came to them from the other side of the shed, making them both stop dead in their tracks. 

“I’ll go around this side and you go around the other,” Daryl ordered, his voice a harsh whisper. “we’ll take down whatever geeks are already here.”

She was pretty sure they both saw him at the same time, the sight of Merle chopping on whichever one of the Governor’s men that had fallen victim to the fight.

A sob escaped her lips as he turned to face her, a shuffle in his step as he rose and came over to her.

“M-Merle,” She finally whispered, her voice coming back to her after all these months. Helena reached up to touch him, ignoring the fact that he was wasn’t Merle anymore. It wasn’t until she heard Daryl whistle and saw Merle turn to his own brother with a hungry growl, was she back with reality.

Daryl shoved an arrow through Merle’s skull and Helena felt herself fall to her knees with Merle, the weight of his death pulling her down him. Crawling over to his motionless body, she lifted his head into her lap. The tears burned her eyes as she looked up to Daryl, who was sobbing himself.

They had lost, they had lost Merle. Laying his head down, Helena rose and walked over to Daryl, wrapping her arms around him. Both of them let their mourning consume them as they cried and hugged one another, trying to forget about the image before them.

“Let’s take him home,” Daryl whispered into Helena’s shoulder. “give ‘em a proper burial.”

Helena could only nod, letting go of Daryl as they walked over to grab Merle’s body to take him home.

The ache of Merle standing up for those that would have never accepted him, he fought for something was for no one except the good of the others.

_Yeah, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out, for all of the perfect things that I doubt._

\----------------------------------

_I'll be good, I'll be good and I'll love the world, like I should._

It had been days since they had buried Merle, with no signs of the Governor coming their way. 

But Helena couldn’t leave the cell that she had once shared with Merle, afraid she would forget his scent or him if she left the bed.

A shift on weight on the bed caused her to turn over, hoping it was Merle and this had all been a horrible dream. Instead, she was faced with Michonne, and a look of her sorrow on her face.

“I know you’re probably angry with me,” Michonne began, tears in her eyes. “but I wanted to come talk to you about Merle.”

Tears flashed in Helena’s own eyes and she didn’t want to think about the last moments Merle had spent on this earth, especially if he had done something cruel.

“He, um, wanted me to tell you that he loved you and that he was very sorry for everything he has done.”

Helena sat up on the bed, scooting over to Michonne. She turned the other woman to her and wrapped her in a hug.

“Thank you, Michonne.” Helena whispered, her voice broken by her tears. 

At that moment, Helena could have sworn she saw Merle standing behind Michonne. It was a flicker, but Helena saw a warm smile on his face as he leaned against the prison wall. One last way to let her know he was and always would be there, a simple reminder of his love for her.

Enough of a reminder that got Helena out of bed, enough to make her way to his grave. 

As she laid on the ground next to him, she placed her left on hand on the dirt. 

“I love you, Merle.” She whispered, drifting off to sleep.

_Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good for all of the times I never could._


End file.
